iolaus_dw: (iolaus midshot)
"You'll be surprised at the results," said Salmoneous. "I guarantee it."

Iolaus looked supremely doubtful. "So let me get this straight, I fill out this scroll of yours and you give it to a girl who –"

"No, no! I don't just hand it to any Tonya, Dyonesi or Harriet that comes along. No! You fill it out and I match your likes and dislikes with a compatible mate. Aphrodite couldn't do better!"

"I wouldn't say that too loudly if I were you," warned Iolaus. "Especially with you trampling her territory, if you know what I mean."

"Nonsense! What I'm doing can only help lovers. Not to mention, it promises to net a very tidy little profit."

"No." Iolaus handed back the scroll survey.

"No?"

"No."

"But the results! I've already had a 98% success rate at matching couples."

"Uh-huh. How many have signed up?"

"Roughly?"

"Exactly."

Salmoneous shifted uncomfortably. "Three. But it's a new enterprise! It takes time. Advertising. Word of mouth –"

Shaking his head, Iolaus started to walk away.

Not willing to let him off that easily, Salmoneous jogged along beside him. "You can embellish the essay part of the form if you like," he said. "Not that you'd need to, of course," he added hastily. "But imagine the possibilities. Picture this! Widowed White Male, tall –"

"Tall?"

"—heroic, outdoorsy and skilled hunter, seeks companionship of intelligent, buxom, adventurous female. Queens and lady pirates preferred. Willing to travel long distances a plus. Worshipers of Hera need not apply." Salmoneous beamed. "Huh? Huh? What do you think? Enough to tempt any beauty, mortal or goddess, eh?"

Iolaus laughed out loud as he continued to walk away. "You're right," he chuckled. "Dite doesn't have anything to worry about."

Iolaus of Thebes
Hercules/Xena
290 words
iolaus_dw: (iolaus midshot)
Whoa! 2,000 dinars? Really? 2,000? I'd be . . . heck, I'd be rich! Well, okay, maybe not rich. I couldn't buy a kingdom or anything. But I could buy some pretty nice stuff. Like a new vest and maybe some new leggings. I wouldn't mind a new pair of boots, either. I wouldn't trade my sword for the best weapon in Greece, but I wouldn't refuse a new scabbard.

After that I'd have, what? . . . about 1,900 dinars left. That much? Hmmm. I don't really need it for food. I usually hunt my own. Ale, sure. Yeah, I could use it for that. But 1,900 dinars worth? Not such a good idea. Maybe a few coins to pay for a room at the occasional inn. So that's maybe another 50 dinars altogether for expenses, right?

Come to think of it, that's an awful lot of coin to be carrying around for a guy like me who likes to travel light. More trouble than it's worth, really. I mean, can you see the look on Salmoneous or Falafal's faces if they knew I had that much coin? Echidna couldn't scare them off if they smelled that kind of windfall. And let's not even mention Autolycus!

No, I just don't think I'm cut out to have money. So I think I'll give the rest of it away. Maybe half to the fund at the warriors' guild for disabled battle veterans. Some new scrolls for Gabrielle and decent armor for Joxer. Herc could use a new vest himself after his last run in with the Furies. I'm not quite sure what to get Xena, but I'm sure I'll think of something. Oh yeah, and a nice healthy donation to Dite's temple. As a thank you for the attentions of those lovely twins in Amphipolis . . .

Iolaus of Thebes
Hercules/Xena
304 words
iolaus_dw: (iolaus)
No, it doesn't. It just hurts like hades.
iolaus_dw: (Default)
You're probably expecting me to answer Hercules, right? Well, yeah. Herc has been a big influence on my life, but not the greatest influence. It wasn't Herc who made me leave home when I was a kid and set out on my own. It wasn't Herc who made me hit the streets and become a pick pocket just to scrap up enough to eat. I lay that squarely on the shoulders of dear old dad. The great General Skouros, who was too busy fighting wars and swaggering around bragging about his battle strategy to give a damn about his family back at home. Who had more courage beating his wife than he did on the battlefield. Oh yeah, he influenced me, alright. He taught me how not to treat people. Because I don't ever want to be like him.

Iolaus of Thebes
Hercules/Xena
139 words
iolaus_dw: (iolaus midshot)
Adventurous? Me? Hell yeah! I live and breath adventure! I eat it for breakfast! I crave it for dessert. And I've got the scars -- and more than a few the visits to Hades-- to prove it!

Not that I haven't tried the whole domestic thing. I had a farm in Thebes once. No, really! Very pastoral. Cows. Chickens. Um . . . green growing stuff. I could tell you all about twenty different kinds of manure and where to spread it. Problem is, that's about all I could tell you. I wasn't cut out to be a farmer or a merchant or anything other than what I am. A hunter. A warrior. Fighting the bad guys and monsters by Herc's side. Trouble has a habit of looking for Herc, ya know? But then, I'm not so bad at finding it for myself, either. But bring it on! If it's for a good cause, I'm your man.

Iolaus of Thebes
Herc/Xena
157 words

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